No-no, na-no.
Ripped By mstoll
Come in, Your Oral Fixationship.
Orson's gonna love this report. Ha, ha.
No, he won't. He's gonna hate it.
I couldn't get this report past a white defensive back.
Yeah.
I don't know, I don't know. I mean, what do I say to him?
Well, Orson will buy anything as long as I make him believe
that he's thin for a very brief moment.
Okay. All right, here goes nothing.
Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.
- Mork calling Orson. - Hi.
- Ready to go? - Oh, not now, little pooter.
I have to make my report to Orson.
Come on, Mork. You've had all week to do that.
I got off work early so we could take Mearth clothes shopping.
Come on, talk to Orson later.
Oh, come on now, Mind, he relies upon me
to keep him aware of the late-breaking events
and technological advancements and miraculous breakthroughs.
Oh, what's your report on?
Ants.
Come on, Mearth, we're going.
Oh, Mind, we can't go unless you write me another
"Please excuse Mork" note.
- Come on, Mork... - Mommy, Mommy, Mommy.
Hi, sweetheart.
I'm so glad we're going.
Listen, it's getting late. Let's go, let's go.
Come on. Oh my gosh, let's go.
I thought kids were supposed to hate to go clothes shopping.
I thought we'd have to drag him out of here kicking and screaming.
Oh, so did I. That's why I told him we were going to the circus.
This is a joke,
and I'm the butt of it.
Mearth, don't be... Now, don't be like that.
I think you look very handsome.
- Doesn't he, Daddy? - Yes.
Yes. What does he know?
He promised to take me to the circus.
That's what your Mommy told me.
Oh, uh, sir.
We're ready to be altered.
Altered? Like Mrs. Simmons' cat? I don't want him
moping around the house all day and then laying on the TV.
So, what do you think?
That fits like a glove.
You've gotta be...
You know, you can wear that home.
You've gotta be putting me on. I mean, look at this.
- The shoulders need to be taken in. - Oh, sure, yeah, okay.
And sleeves can go up.
Okay, sleeves here?
- Here? - Yeah.
- The buttons can be moved over. - All right.
And, uh, don't forget to erase the chalk marks when you're done.
She acts like she's your mother.
She does, doesn't she?
I can't believe it.
Look at all these scribbly marks he put all over me.
I feel like some kind of rotten subway.
Do you know something? Mother's Day is coming up.
I believe it's in May, and I just canceled your present.
Mearth, I told you...
I told you we were going clothes shopping,
and that's what we're doing, and that's final.
Wait a minute, how about a sailor suit?
You can't go anywhere in a sailor suit.
Donald Duck does.
He's right, Mind, and Donald Duck doesn't have to wear pants.
Why don't you see if they have any suspenders?
You could use a pair.
I don't need them now. I'm waiting for Emmett Kelly's garage sale.
Remember that tie I knitted you?
I could make you a pair of suspenders to match.
Right. It never hurts to browse.
Come on, sweetheart. Come with me.
Morning.
I knew it. You can always tell by the part.
Well, thank you for inviting me to your barbecue, sir,
and I'll be right back. I think I forgot the potato salad.
I'm tired of waiting for your report.
Do you have it or did your neighbor's dog eat it again?
Are you kidding, sir? Mr. Clutch with no report?
Come on now, I had a real winner for you,
but I decided to expand my perspective
and go for a subject of broader scope.
Sir. Sir, I'd tell it to you,
but it's a little hard to articulate while I'm being roasted.
Thank you, sir.
The report this week, sir, will make you laugh,
it'll make you cry, it'll become part of you.
Because today, I tied Mearth's shoes.
Where did I put my lighter?
Come on now, have mercy.
Listen, I know my reports recently have been about as interesting
- as a PTA newsletter, but please... - Silence!
You're not fulfilling your mission on Earth.
The scope of your reports is becoming alarmingly narrow.
You've been letting your wife and son interfere
with your responsibilities to Ork.
I've had enough!
You will eliminate all contact with your family unit.
Come on now, sir, I can't.
I mean, they need me.
I'm head of the household, king of the castle.
MC of the home version of Hollywood Squares.
From now on, Mork, concentrate on yourjob
and put your family aside.
Never, sir. Listen, I can cope with being tied to a stake.
I can cope with being burned.
But I will never forget my family.
Wanna bet?
When I get done with you,
the only thing you'll remember about Earth
is not to stick a fork in the toaster.
For sure, totally. For sure. Ha-ha-ha.
Boxing has been good to me, Howard.
Aah, ow.
Oh.
Greetings, I'm Mork from Ork, na-no.
This may sound cliché but will you take me to your leader?
Se habla Yiddish?
That takes care of the suit, but to tell you the truth,
I don't have the strength to go on for the shoes.
Let's just call it a day, Mork, okay?
How do you know my name, Earthling?
Oh, give me a break.
Can I just have the checkbook, please?
I can't. Our planets don't have trade agreements,
but will you take me to your leader?
Are you putting me on?
Oh, I can't. I'm afraid you wouldn't fit.
Mork.
The meanie tailor must have dropped at least 50 pins in my pants.
I feel like I've got prickly heat.
Na-no, I'm Mork from Ork.
Come on, Dad, I'm Mearth, your son.
Oh, then I must be a moon. Aah.
Mommy, has he been nipping on the ginger ale again?
No, sweetheart.
I think your dad is having a little memory problem.
I think we better go home right now.
Okay, the suit will be ready in a couple of months, maybe.
Will that be cash or a charge?
- Oh, do you accept a charge? - Oh, gladly.
Okay, okay.
Suit'll be ready on Tuesday, huh?
- Come on. - But where are you taking me?
- Home. - Oh, but we just met.
Shouldn't we have a drink first?
I'll still respect you.
Oh, Earth primitive.
Just like a museum without the overpriced gift shop.
- Now will you take me to your leader? - I keep telling you,
you don't wanna meet our leader.
Look, Mork, look around. Don't you recognize this place?
I mean, you live here with me and Mearth.
- Who's Mearth? - Me, your son.
Remember, the guy that carries all the heavy stuff around the house?
And I'm your wife. We're married.
Married? No, no. We Orkans never marry.
And besides, I would never marry a species who'd make Don Ho rich.
Mork, something has happened to you to make you forget your life on Earth.
Here, sit down. I think maybe I can help you to remember.
Oh, gladly.
Oh, no, I can't go through this again.
Daddy, Daddy, that's way off.
Here, turn around.
Here, you sit just like this:
- Like I do. - Kay-o. Ah!
Oh, all the blood is rushing to my feet.
If we're not married, why are we wearing matching rings?
Perhaps you like the same cereal.
No.
It's because we made a commitment to spend the rest of our lives together.
Whoa. Wait a minute there, whoa. Getting a little too intense now.
I don't know what your game is, lady, but I'm not staying around here.
Not gonna stay till some hunchback goes,
"Quick, we must do this," and puts my brain in a jar.
- Wait a minute. - No, no.
Mork!
Mork, we're not trying to hurt you.
Mork, we're not trying to hurt you, we love you.
Well, Mommy...
...looks like I'm, uh, the man of the house now.
Sort of looks that way, doesn't it, sweetheart?
Mm-hm.
Fix dinner.
Hey.
Daddy?
Mork?
Shh! Down on your knees.
Don't you recognize Sebal, god of humidity?
I sure do. That's right.
When it's his birthday, we're out of school.
Come on.
Come with me. Come on over here.
This is the seat of honor.
Right here, right here. Sit right down there.
And just think.
Mork from Ork,
this was your life.
Oh, if I'd only known, I would have done something special to my hair.
Yes, Mork, you've had a very interesting life.
You spent a typical Orkan boyhood in a nursing home,
complaining about the food and the sing-alongs.
- Oh, to be young and senile again. - "Soon it was on to Chester A...
...School for Boys,
where you were voted most likely to wear wool.
You were sent to Earth to observe.
There you met a beautiful, small-nosed woman."
Listen.
Mork, I'll never forget the day we exchanged our vows.
Remember, Orson turned you into a dog?
And for weeks you kept sneaking out for Gaines-Burgers.
Mork. Ha-ha-ha.
Do you recognize that voice?
Yes. Is it Ella Fitzgerald?
Phew. Ahem.
No, silly, that's Mom.
Mom? Is Moms Mabley here?
No.
It's Mindy McConnell.
Oh, it's you again.
You look great. I can't believe anybody as foxy as you isn't married already.
I am married, Mork. I'm married to you.
Think about it, Mork.
Oh.
- Mork... - Oh, that'll be a lot easier this way.
Try to think of the good times.
Think of all the fun we've had and the laughs.
Think about this, Mork.
Who do you call your little pooter?
Is my old shop teacher here, Mr. Bromex?
No, he's not here.
Oh, go ahead, Mearth.
"And so, with your blushing bride,
you inherited a wonderful family."
Listen.
Fredzo, wait.
You're not supposed to go out until I say my line.
How come you got a line and I didn't?
Oh, you're such a wiener.
Oh! This is ridiculous.
- Dad. - Hi.
Mr. Bromex!
Mr. Bromex, it really is you.
No, Mork, it's Dad. Fred McConnell and Grandma Cora.
Look at them, Mork, and concentrate.
Oh, isn't she a little young for him?
Honey... Come here, honey.
Now, every now and then we're given a second chance,
and when that opportunity comes along,
you gotta be smart enough to know how to take advantage of it.
Now, look, I'll go warm up the car,
we'll take Mork out for a little ride and we'll drop him off.
Say, in, uh, a silo in South Dakota.
- Grandma, he's doing it again. - Oh, Fred, lay off.
Now, the kids are very happy.
Happy? He doesn't even know who she is.
- Dad... - Please, please, please.
We'll have time to talk about all this at the party after the show.
Will you take your seats?
Take your seats, please. The couch, two chairs.
Will you take yours, please?
Thank you, thank you.
Mork, you've encountered many beings in your travels,
but none as eccentric as this next person.
Mork, is that you?
Exidor, is that you?
He remembers! He remembers.
Mork, this is a red-letter day.
You've got your memory back,
and I'm finally gonna meet Moms Mabley.
Exidor, it's so good to see you.
I mean, I was getting really lonely having no one to really talk to.
Ask him more questions so that he remembers more.
Forget it. I owe him $10.
I'll cover it.
In that case, he owes me 20.
- Mindy, I have a full tank of gas. - Good.
I'll get you a match.
I've got it.
I know what to do.
The solution is as simple and plain as the nose on Pepe's face.
Hypnosis.
All I need is a gold watch.
- Hey! - Here.
Thank you.
Unfortunately, a subject cannot be hypnotized unless he's willing.
Safe!
Juanita, you got away with it this time,
but don't you ever, ever take that big a lead
on the left-handed pitcher again.
- Mork, step into my office. - Gladly.
Hi, Skeeter.
Working on a little sister for you.
All right, Mork, put your hands in front of your face
and repeat after me.
"Oh, no, please don't."
All right.
Oh, no, please don't.
Too late.
That man is an absolute raving lunatic.
Madam, you flatter me.
- Are you all right? - Who are you?
Amazing.
Total amnesia.
All right, get out of my house.
Oh, no, no, thank you very much, but I have to go.
Tonight is the first Annual Exidor Dance Marathon.
You run 26 miles
and then bunny hop across the finish line.
I don't care what the guy said,
I was standing right there and Juanita was out.
Well, I guess now's as good a time as any.
Oh, God.
Come in.
I don't mean to be patronizing, but on Ork we have doorbells.
Well, we're a slow but happy people.
Anything on your mind?
Well, besides 14 pounds per square inch air pressure, nothing really,
except I want to thank you very much for your hospitality this evening,
and I'd like to find out what was the name of that dessert we had?
Jell-O.
You used to love to eat it in the mornings.
But then you don't remember, do you?
What are you doing?
Well, whenever I get depressed,
I engage in an old Earth custom called cleaning out the closet.
- Mind if I watch? - No, actually you could help.
- Half of the stuff is yours. - Ooh.
Is this mine?
No.
Too bad, it's my color.
Whoa, ha, ha!
Where did you get this stuffed Splock?
Was the Orkan carnival passing through here?
No. You won this for me on our honeymoon.
You won it by throwing lead bottles at a pile of softballs.
Remember?
Then we went to the anti-gravity bar to hear your favorite group,
Wink Geezba and the Gold Diggers.
I remembered we danced on air till the suns came up.
And we went for a little walk on the beach, and you told me...
I guess it doesn't matter what you told me, does it?
Your eyes are leaking.
It's called crying.
Why are you crying?
Oh, I'm crying because...
Because you're here and I miss you.
Oh.
What are you doing now?
I'm expressing emotion.
See, on Earth, when people love each other, they do this.
The capital of New York is Albany.
What did you say?
You have a mole on the bottom of your foot shaped like Scatman Crothers.
Oh! I'm about to remember something really important now.
- About us? - No.
That Italian restaurants are closed on Mondays.
Oh. Oh!
The memory dam is breaking!
It's all coming back to me now.
But I need some help.
Now I know I... I can remember everything except all the teams
in the National Hockey League. We better try once more.
I finally remembered what I wanted to say to you.
- Oh, what? - I love you.
Oh, Mork...
Oh, Mork, I was so scared.
What happened to you? Where have you been?
When?
- When you got amnesia. - Oh, I was trying to forget that, Mind.
You know...
You know what happened? Orson got a little mad at me,
and, well, he closed my account in the memory bank.
- Why? - Well, see,
I've been spending so much time with you and Mearth that...
Well, I've been neglecting my job.
And he thinks I'm a bad observer.
I keep forgetting that what you do is a real important job.
I mean, it's not like you get a W-2 form or you have a pension plan.
And you get paid in sand.
Yeah, but it's still my job, Mind. I've blown it.
See, I've even let my subscription to Ebony run out.
Well, we'll just have to renew that.
And also, we're gonna have to make sure
that you spend as much time as you need
to make your job a good one.
Oh, Mork, you're gonna be the best observer Ork ever had.
Even better than Andy Rooney?
Yes. And neater too.
Just one more shot for old time's sake.
I remember our phone number now.
It's all coming back to me.
Hello.
Dad. No, no, no. Dad, wait, wait, wait.
I've got some great news.
Mork remembers.
That is the great news.
Well, he likes you.
Talk to you later. Goodbye.
You know...
Lady. Lady, it's happening again.
- Oh, no. - I'm losing it.
I'm fading back into the distance.
I don't know. All I can remember is one word.
Big kiss.
Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson. Come in, Your Saturated Fatship.
And now for the fast-breaking news of Earth.
Reported with keen insight and renewed vigor,
plus greetings from the McConnell clan.
- You remember your family? - Of course, sir.
I'd better check the warranty on that memory helmet.
Oh, it works fine, sir,
but nothing can make me forget those that I love.
Of course, you must keep in mind your responsibilities too.
Allow me to demonstrate, sir.
Notice, while I am balancing this ball,
I am also carrying on a serious conversation with you.
Fascinating illustration.
Sorry, sir, I can't hear you. I'm concentrating on the ball.
That's the point I want to make, sir.
You see, when you accept the responsibility of a job and a family,
you must be very careful to fulfill your duties to each one.
Yeah, it's easy once you get the hang of it. Ha-ha-ha.
Isn't this the kind of snazzy report you've been looking for, sir?
It's got everything.
Handsome leading man,
staggering special effects,
memorable theme song.
Morko, the boy from beyond You know...
Why do I put up with him?
If it wasn't for the pension, I'd quit.
Ripped By mstoll